Alive!!!

It has been a while we last met. I missed, I forgot, I tried to forget, it's impossible and I persuade myself it's impossible. And then it's rare! As rare as 1% of my 365 days, we met. I was on a high the entire Friday! Happy! Workload is scary heavy, but I am smiling. The smile is from my true heart.

Dinner at a usual place is nothing much to be too happy, but craft beer is interesting enough to make me smile wider and laugh louder. And together with this guy, I was totally over the moon, as I have missed him much :D

Look! His anxious face! He was so much worry that I will over pour the beer out with my totally unskilled beer pouring hand shaking technique, he almost grab my beer and pour it on behalf; I insisted to do it on my own with his lecture. Haha

Caring as he is, I wanted the beer caps, he took out a paper and wrap them to da bao for me, because we can't find plastic bag. Caring as he is, we girls hinted him for burned fish, he went to queue, order, pay, and then we eat ... 

12 snorlaxes in his pokedex, still so dedicated in playing! I was tipsy really tipsy, I speak louder, happier, braver! He is more friendly, more in talking.

Totally love the night. How many nights do we left ? 😕

All taken

When all of them all taken! You are left alone, you are on your own, you are no longer bubbly, you don't laugh the way you are. You try to keep cool and calm, you know there's no point of return as everyone moving forward.

A race of life remains as a race, everyone continue with the track, dating, married, give birth, kids grown up, all full flooded with fb, friends Jio you go play tinder because you are lonely. And you think you somewhere there's a prince waiting for you but it's not true, no prince, no one waiting for you.

You thought you are atas, you play a violin, you play a piano, you read poem, your boy friend should share the same interest and at least not a clubbing guy. Sorry, no such guy exist! Don't have! Wake up! If you want, go flirt go play tinder! 

Let me know if the guy is good? Not sure, no one knows! Take it or leave it..

Oh well, what to do? I still believe be myself and be on my own is definitely better than out of desperation simply lug a guy for heaven sake... 

I believe in self, I think I can, just a little bit tougher but I should be able to pull through this.

害怕被遗弃

1. 小时候每次妈妈要出去，我都要跟随，因为心理害怕被遗弃。

2. 哭闹不要上课，因为怕见不到妈妈。

3.妈妈装死人，哭泣，因为怕永远失去妈妈。

4. 爸爸妈妈吵架，闹离婚，我哭闹因为害怕被丢弃。

 

长大后

1.害怕被朋友遗弃，害怕登山被人丢在后。

2. 别人玩钢铁悬崖吊，自己体力不佳没得跟上不开心。

3. 朋友有男女朋友之后遗弃我，便害怕，恐慌，希望自己找到一个不会遗弃自己的人。

4.旅行不喜欢被人家等待，更不喜欢被遗弃。因为我要大家一起一起玩乐，不要分开。

请不要遗弃天平座😞

Heart beat

When I already gave up and let go, then I saw you are some what care when you are on the line.

But I guess faith never brings us together, we just can't meet for dinner for once. You just can't whatsapp me properly =_= 

So ah... Remain as dream? As friends? 

Hope to see you soon, it has been at least a good full 3 months :( 

About Music and Life

Perhaps I shouldn't bitch about him as it is more than half a year.

Changing an inspiring yet stressful violin teacher has made me grown up a little and related things to life

A) know your aim and goal where to go to and how to go to, just as if you are playing a song, a music not notes

B) be precise and picky on things, works and subjects, so that it will sound perfect in the end and presentable with loud applause. Do not waste energy on scrambling and producing low quality work.

C) be picture perfect and totally cool and awesome on things which get posted.

D) use more bow, don't be afraid be confidence just like in life, just like the interview

E) relax and find comfortable position so that beautiful sound will be produced. It's like life have to be relax and comfortable to live in, to be happy.

F) imagine the sound, set the tempo , bre confidence and "go"! Dream, plan, and Go!!! Don't be afraid 

G) correct time, meet the correct person, do the correct things 

H) very strict to self, practice and be awesome

I) tell if you love, don't be shy, vibrato if you want, don't be shy!

I love the year of 2016, I have a dream but I put aside, i decided to brush up my low standard skill, I decided to do what I can to improve. I decided to chill a little follow the Moldau, got to the sea. I decided to let go things that I hold on tight to, r/s, friends but decided to do whichever I can be happy on. I live yolo, I learn to love, I open my heart and be ready to meet someone who is better, who care, who I think is compatible to me. Now will let it be as faith, the person who unnamed, unfound, but somewhere there, he's there showing me his hand.

My dream remain as a dream but I work towards it, by not letting go my true heart, the real me and work hard towards my goal. It's there, is has to be there whenever my heart is beating, lung is breathing till the day they stopped and I meet my beloved family again.

Trip to Bintan 080716 100716

13 years and counting, I finally decided a small weekend getaway with her. Things has changed and we have grown up. 

I felt my changes while I am not so humour comparing to when I was younger, I found out there's a gap between me and her. I could not ask things I want to ask because I have fear of I might make her sad :[ and I found out I have tipping toe around my roommate for a number of years until I fear to be myself again. And my dear friend scolded me " Siao ah?! Like that also scared ?" I guess time to change something. 

However, proud to know that my friend is strong enough to hold on the sadness and she's positive enough to pull through this. She doesn't cry but I am not sure whether she has let everything go and how long would she needs for this. I want to be there for her, as I always want to be, as I always missed to be. I regretted to be a prefect because I couldn't spend much time with her. 

Friendship and relationship are usually both fragile comparing to family. The only difference will be when relationship doesn't work anymore, one will come back to friendship. Sometimes, I was mad because one ignore their friends when one is in a relationship. I don't understand why one will just do anything and everything for him/ her but ignoring friends who are loyal and close. I find it very painful to know and I pull through it difficultly throughout a year and finally I let go. I become sterned and no smile, I become ignorant. In the end, I have even believed that trusting a musical instrument by giving it love and care would be more worth than a human. 

During the Bintan trip, she taught me to be positive, to have a 21 days positive thinking challenge, to change the mindset to I am actually good and great and not to be lack of confidence. Singapore has definitely changed me to be scared and nervous as Uni days were too competitive and I get screwed by NUSS saying I need psychiatric treatment because my exam result was not good and get turned away from summer program, residence assistant opportunity Those were the time which I think it was a nightmare. Till now, no confidence at all. 

And I would like to try law of attraction by thinking something good and happy and things will changed. I want to and I have to... To attract or to become a better person, I would have to change to be a better one too. I will strive with her together to pick up myself again and to be a great person from now on :D

Thanks Bintan trip! Jiayou friend 

Love her when she eats a lot

Paowah of the day

Quite stressed out these few days

Projects kicked start in work. Client not corporative. Couldn't really focus to work as need to get MC , go training and answer other client queries. 

New violin teacher, stressed out because the money that I pay is not cheap. Never practice well enough to fit the requirement but the pitch and the note are still not cool not good not perfect. 

Here's the concert Brahms and Beethoven both big compositions. I really enjoy the melodies and being care under super awesome conductor as well as great pianist. I am glad. This time I have a super cool and good desk partner who sound so brilliant and I always feel stressed out and doom. I lost in the counting and rhythm ing because lack of practice. Doing the page turn I scare I am lost some where or less focus.

So, I make sure everything is highlighted 

I don't want to screw up the super cool concert.

Here, I got the phrase " all the best" from him  I am actually super happy. I do not expect any voluntary wishes from him, but he wish me ! Omg, I guess he will be the fuel and power of my day! Yes! ❤️

The principal seat

It was nervous to sit at the principal hot desk. The stress, the concentration, the accuracy. The sound should be picture perfect, should not offend the conductor.

However, it was nice and fun to hear the harmony of the orchestra. The quality of playing from everyone, no one sounds silence, too soft, hear nothing...

Bowing would have to be perfect as such principal's guidance and big actions are both important for the orchestra to follow.

I love the harmony of the orchestra. My ears definitely enjoyed them. I would like to be there one day, when I don't feel stress for anything anymore. I think once I build up confidence, I would like to fly and sit at the principal seat. It's fun! I would like my life to be fun!

Salute! I have spent my life to contribute to music, regardless others like friendships and relationships. I would want him to accept this part of me, and what's not if just friend, they could be ignored and let me prioritize something I like. I want to make both parents proud as both invested money and time on my interest. I would like to build and I want to build to become principal one day! 

When dream remains as a dream

After a long while, I have gotten this photo from Royston. Here's the place where I start to like you, the offering of jacket. I regretted never say yes to the jacket. Look! You are so wrapped up and cold, that's why I am saying no.  

It was my last day there in Perth, it's my last destination there in Perth before my departure. I did not realize I like you but only when I was in the airport waiting for flight when Royston said "Hey, Opa happy when see you and Greg having common topics." I am like shoot! Yah, in the trip, you have NEVER stop impressing me.

The navigation in the rottness island, how Mike actually keep relying on you by taking out sand from his snorkeling mask. Your cooking, your determination to get the best wood for the chimney, your innovation on the hanging GPS phone cover for charging, set up tents quickly, you can drive tho a bit scary, your jokes, you actually know gu zheng, piano and singing! You sang Disney songs in the car, you love Mendelssohn, the trap you made in the resort room, you taught me kayak when Opa scold me and lose patience on me, you intend to lend me your jacket, your helping hand when I get hurt by coral, you swim back and check whether I am fine but not washed away by the wave, you decided to be adventurous and pick up my sun glasses from the blow hole, we screamed and screamed and make sure you are back in one piece. Not sure why I am just keep impressed by everything you have done.

Honestly, during the trip I sort of unintentionally followed your foot steps to everywhere you adventured. You got to the front I followed your back. I am happy with my hiking shoes which allow me to hop here and there without falling. 

I am always a follower but not a leader, I love to be the supportive role by just quietly giving you morale support and walk beside you. However, sometimes you are smart to the point I do not know what to do for you but to stand there and be amazed. I love to talk to you actually but it's so difficult to come out with the topic which suit both you and me. We have a gap- might be age gap, religions gap. Apart from food and music, it's tough to discuss about other things under the sun, oh well, religion part, I really can't handle. I am a Buddhist, I respect Catholics but I don't follow. It's not native to me. 

It has been more than half a year. Perhaps I should let go of you from my mind  and remain you as my dream, the ideal partner. But you are perfect until I do not know when I can meet my next. You came along after a long while whereby I was actually cling my heart on someone before this. I am happy to have you actually because you have given me the proof that I have let go and  given up my past.

Thanks anyway, I would still hope, we could gather and be friend till then <3 I will print a book of photos... Just because of you have made this trip memorable and out of my expectation.

Fated or not fated

Half a year passes by, I shall think we are totally not fated. You have lived in my dream for half a year, but we ain't talking, meeting or messaging. Isn't that a big hint drop from the sky?

Today, when i meet you again, I am not shy anymore. I am just a normal me, i tried some topics with you, but I couldn't figure out how. You ended up talking about church stuff with opa. It's tough because my world doesn't evolve with yours. Not at all, we are a total independent set, no mutual area found. I got you when we talk about music classes, but that was together with Opa. I am clueless, I don't think I will ever reveal this. Let it be a secret.... I look forward to our Perth photos.. But when's next trip? Forever not fated, wanted to buy you Vico and they already don't carry any. 

Why would you come along so late? Only when we do not meet frequently, when we no longer study together :(

Failing in violin exam

Failing in violin exam is non acceptable however why am I so tough here to accept this truth?

Perhaps NUS has trained me so well to accept things and results are not perfect. Improvement needed to strengthen my weakness. At the end of a day, I got a proper job same with the first class honour people. What's the difference? The difference will be the process and the hardship that I have gone through. I got slapped in my face, telling me to study right away after I flung my mid term, I whined like a child, crying to be consoled to be hugged. I did not get any. I walked back and studied. Terry told me to hang in there, divert my attention, studied German. I am not genius in language, I worked whichever I could. I gotten B or C on them but I am blessed to even gotten a job on this, I knew a nice German friend, and a couple of lovely lecturers become my colleagues. Well, blessings in disguised. I appreciate all the Faith's fall to me.

Learn through the hard way and now failing violin exam doesn't mean anything to me, it meant to me as a process and proves that my hard work was on a wrong direction, in fact I have never felt that I have studied and practiced hard enough for this. I hated myself of being borrowed music books but never read. Photocopied all the scores but never play. I need a push, perhaps a slap on my face telling me I am not good enough! Please work hard, if not, either flung or die.

No one shows me light on how to improve. The song doesn't sound like what I had imagined. The scales sounded weird. No piano accompanist, not sure how it went wrong. Dominant 7 diminished 7.... It's just not right, old teacher doesn't give me good advices.

Kinda sad, helpless. There, I met yew Shan, I hope he's good, I am paying him good money to coach me, I need him to be strict. Everything from basic, yes please.

Tired now, I have training tomorrow... Well, I look forward to big improvement, I hope I can still walk towards my dream. I don't want to put a stop in it, because I hate how's the world is working now. The only ivory tower where I can hide, it's really the music tower where I feel comfortable. I am not the best, I am trying to be just right... 

I shall said, I have really grown up, I finally realized exam is designed for evaluations but it is not for the word "pass" or "fail". I am feeling quite proud of myself. 

Attention seeker 2

I am pleased! Not sure why but I am pleased ...

Such poisonous social media❤️

宝宝自恋狂？

Call me Kim-chi-won! (Not Kim Ji won) yo

Appreciate my hair, love the length and this orange strong red lipstick which i not even dare to use it during normal days.

Let's be a girlish girl again ? Let's spend some time on self ? Let's love self more before loving anyone else or waiting for anyone to like me back ?

Want to be a girl, an ordinary girl, a girl with good personality, good 气质, with self confidence, love to laugh, love to talk, love to be happy 

No anger, no stress, no irritation 

Give me strength to love my life, live the fullest of my life...

I want to be good, be happy, be positive, so my parents will feel good too.. And less worry with much loved.

Let's do it! 

Attention seeker

I am an attention seeker! My current goal is to attract your attention on every post that I will be posting 😝I really feel like texting you, but every time when text, we will end up talking formally and then bye each other. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Erm getting frustrating ... But I really want to try ... It has been 5 good months Liao ... I miss you 😒

7 days changes my mind

God creates the world in 7 days. Nah, I don't believe all these and I just knew it as a story.

You have invaded my life and thoughts within 7 days. It just makes me feel like shouting after 5 good months, I am still getting so much influence from you. Everything that I am doing, I will think of how innovative you are, if you were here, what will you probably have done.

3 cases happened recently which you are the most influencing one who make me think of these. Even mom doesn't influence me with her intelligence so much ...

1. The curry rice case, I was so hungry to the point that I felt like eating a lot of rice with hot curry. I can't be bothered to warm the pot and to cook anything. There~ the idea, I boiled water in the kettle, loaded my favorite Korean drama, poured hot water into a camping pot and warmed the curry packet up. Fast and less effort~ lesson learned during the camping, you thought of heating the can food from the hot water in a lazy cold morning.

2. The ground too dry, can't force in the joss sticks. How? No spade available. I have an umbrella on hand with a very sharp pointy end. I kept thinking... The idea of camping forcing in the metal rod to hold the tent has popped up. There, you taught me to angle the rod when pushing it in. How to poke it further in, i tried that with my umbrella, it works like a professional. Wow, I am a girl, not even from Girl Scout! I am proud of myself :) 

3. Not sure whether is it from you or mom. A bouquet of flowers shall be put in the vase for my late grandparents. No vase available, dad recommended to use 1.5 liter water bottle which we brought to hold the tea. Well, the mouth of the bottle is too small, and doesn't hold the big bouquet of flowers. There~ I found 2 small glass white wine bottle and I divided the flowers into two bouquet. I think both late grandpa and grandma would love to have one each :)

You keep me thinking of how to make things better, more cool, even sometimes I hope I am bringing a Swiss Army knife with me so that I can do weird innovative act like you. That has impressed me, that has make me fall so hard, and I miss you again already :( 

Drunk ~

2 men like my photo, left 1 available !!! 1 gone... Like them both... Who are they ? Friends.... Lonely is better ... Both are friends... Don't cross the line, no cross... Be me myself and I alone... Leave them alone, leave me alone #drunk #tipsy #soju 

3 days in a row

Why you?

Why 3 days in a row :( 

I miss you badly because it has been a month we have not met. 

I sort of gave up checking whether you like my photos or not. 

Out of a sudden, I think you might be quite free, you liked my photos in seconds, almost right after the moment I posted!!! I was quite shock...

Thanks for that, you have motivated me to play Kreutzer for a full 2 hours nonstop.

I wonder how's that come from ? It's actually come from you. I wonder why is there special ? Because of you being so special that I have not ever met such person in my life.

You are the first, who make me fall so hard, even my previous is just fall but both side too have some feelings. For you, I am really not that sure... Why you have all the universal law of attractions to attract me, to make me fall, to cling in all my feelings. 

Oh, please, if it's a yes, please do more, if it's a no, please never :(

I miss you  

笨

遇到爱情会变笨，几笨？

明知机会可以吃饭却放过，因为对自己没有信心,所以不敢约。

观点很简单，平时不多话，见了面肯定完蛋，自己不舒服，对方也不舒服。

为什么总是有道墙，为什么我总是不敢跳？其实我并不觉得是风险问题，我觉得是感觉和自然问题。

因为发觉了喜欢，所以变得怪怪。从谈得来的朋友变情人好像比较简单。这个单方面害羞害羞要多久才能开始一段感情呢？

只觉得不可以鲁莽，因为根本不熟悉对方。很喜欢他注意我的照片，至少还记得他有一个这样的朋友。

急不来，我也放不了手。

只希望有多点时间见面说话。T_T

中, Bingo!

说我了吧，是说我了吧

*哭*

Opportunistic

So, I miss him, I texted him, with an legit excuse which my sister wanted to find out 

He's helpful and nice

But conversation stop there...

Lol...

We shall see... We shall wait ... Both are not proactive.

How shall I go about this?

Sigh ~

There, he likes my photo.. The bahhoo roll, so he acknowledged my existence. Last time was prawn roll, this time is bahhoo roll, he likes all rolls stuff ?

Haha...

Tsk... I want it to happen but I am not sure how to manipulate this.. I am slow and not smart ... 

Yawn~