About Music and Life

Perhaps I shouldn't bitch about him as it is more than half a year.

Changing an inspiring yet stressful violin teacher has made me grown up a little and related things to life

A) know your aim and goal where to go to and how to go to, just as if you are playing a song, a music not notes

B) be precise and picky on things, works and subjects, so that it will sound perfect in the end and presentable with loud applause. Do not waste energy on scrambling and producing low quality work.

C) be picture perfect and totally cool and awesome on things which get posted.

D) use more bow, don't be afraid be confidence just like in life, just like the interview

E) relax and find comfortable position so that beautiful sound will be produced. It's like life have to be relax and comfortable to live in, to be happy.

F) imagine the sound, set the tempo , bre confidence and "go"! Dream, plan, and Go!!! Don't be afraid 

G) correct time, meet the correct person, do the correct things 

H) very strict to self, practice and be awesome

I) tell if you love, don't be shy, vibrato if you want, don't be shy!

I love the year of 2016, I have a dream but I put aside, i decided to brush up my low standard skill, I decided to do what I can to improve. I decided to chill a little follow the Moldau, got to the sea. I decided to let go things that I hold on tight to, r/s, friends but decided to do whichever I can be happy on. I live yolo, I learn to love, I open my heart and be ready to meet someone who is better, who care, who I think is compatible to me. Now will let it be as faith, the person who unnamed, unfound, but somewhere there, he's there showing me his hand.

My dream remain as a dream but I work towards it, by not letting go my true heart, the real me and work hard towards my goal. It's there, is has to be there whenever my heart is beating, lung is breathing till the day they stopped and I meet my beloved family again.

Trip to Bintan 080716 100716

13 years and counting, I finally decided a small weekend getaway with her. Things has changed and we have grown up. 

I felt my changes while I am not so humour comparing to when I was younger, I found out there's a gap between me and her. I could not ask things I want to ask because I have fear of I might make her sad :[ and I found out I have tipping toe around my roommate for a number of years until I fear to be myself again. And my dear friend scolded me " Siao ah?! Like that also scared ?" I guess time to change something. 

However, proud to know that my friend is strong enough to hold on the sadness and she's positive enough to pull through this. She doesn't cry but I am not sure whether she has let everything go and how long would she needs for this. I want to be there for her, as I always want to be, as I always missed to be. I regretted to be a prefect because I couldn't spend much time with her. 

Friendship and relationship are usually both fragile comparing to family. The only difference will be when relationship doesn't work anymore, one will come back to friendship. Sometimes, I was mad because one ignore their friends when one is in a relationship. I don't understand why one will just do anything and everything for him/ her but ignoring friends who are loyal and close. I find it very painful to know and I pull through it difficultly throughout a year and finally I let go. I become sterned and no smile, I become ignorant. In the end, I have even believed that trusting a musical instrument by giving it love and care would be more worth than a human. 

During the Bintan trip, she taught me to be positive, to have a 21 days positive thinking challenge, to change the mindset to I am actually good and great and not to be lack of confidence. Singapore has definitely changed me to be scared and nervous as Uni days were too competitive and I get screwed by NUSS saying I need psychiatric treatment because my exam result was not good and get turned away from summer program, residence assistant opportunity Those were the time which I think it was a nightmare. Till now, no confidence at all. 

And I would like to try law of attraction by thinking something good and happy and things will changed. I want to and I have to... To attract or to become a better person, I would have to change to be a better one too. I will strive with her together to pick up myself again and to be a great person from now on :D

Thanks Bintan trip! Jiayou friend 

Love her when she eats a lot

Paowah of the day

Quite stressed out these few days

Projects kicked start in work. Client not corporative. Couldn't really focus to work as need to get MC , go training and answer other client queries. 

New violin teacher, stressed out because the money that I pay is not cheap. Never practice well enough to fit the requirement but the pitch and the note are still not cool not good not perfect. 

Here's the concert Brahms and Beethoven both big compositions. I really enjoy the melodies and being care under super awesome conductor as well as great pianist. I am glad. This time I have a super cool and good desk partner who sound so brilliant and I always feel stressed out and doom. I lost in the counting and rhythm ing because lack of practice. Doing the page turn I scare I am lost some where or less focus.

So, I make sure everything is highlighted 

I don't want to screw up the super cool concert.

Here, I got the phrase " all the best" from him  I am actually super happy. I do not expect any voluntary wishes from him, but he wish me ! Omg, I guess he will be the fuel and power of my day! Yes! ❤️

The principal seat

It was nervous to sit at the principal hot desk. The stress, the concentration, the accuracy. The sound should be picture perfect, should not offend the conductor.

However, it was nice and fun to hear the harmony of the orchestra. The quality of playing from everyone, no one sounds silence, too soft, hear nothing...

Bowing would have to be perfect as such principal's guidance and big actions are both important for the orchestra to follow.

I love the harmony of the orchestra. My ears definitely enjoyed them. I would like to be there one day, when I don't feel stress for anything anymore. I think once I build up confidence, I would like to fly and sit at the principal seat. It's fun! I would like my life to be fun!

Salute! I have spent my life to contribute to music, regardless others like friendships and relationships. I would want him to accept this part of me, and what's not if just friend, they could be ignored and let me prioritize something I like. I want to make both parents proud as both invested money and time on my interest. I would like to build and I want to build to become principal one day! 

When dream remains as a dream

After a long while, I have gotten this photo from Royston. Here's the place where I start to like you, the offering of jacket. I regretted never say yes to the jacket. Look! You are so wrapped up and cold, that's why I am saying no.  

It was my last day there in Perth, it's my last destination there in Perth before my departure. I did not realize I like you but only when I was in the airport waiting for flight when Royston said "Hey, Opa happy when see you and Greg having common topics." I am like shoot! Yah, in the trip, you have NEVER stop impressing me.

The navigation in the rottness island, how Mike actually keep relying on you by taking out sand from his snorkeling mask. Your cooking, your determination to get the best wood for the chimney, your innovation on the hanging GPS phone cover for charging, set up tents quickly, you can drive tho a bit scary, your jokes, you actually know gu zheng, piano and singing! You sang Disney songs in the car, you love Mendelssohn, the trap you made in the resort room, you taught me kayak when Opa scold me and lose patience on me, you intend to lend me your jacket, your helping hand when I get hurt by coral, you swim back and check whether I am fine but not washed away by the wave, you decided to be adventurous and pick up my sun glasses from the blow hole, we screamed and screamed and make sure you are back in one piece. Not sure why I am just keep impressed by everything you have done.

Honestly, during the trip I sort of unintentionally followed your foot steps to everywhere you adventured. You got to the front I followed your back. I am happy with my hiking shoes which allow me to hop here and there without falling. 

I am always a follower but not a leader, I love to be the supportive role by just quietly giving you morale support and walk beside you. However, sometimes you are smart to the point I do not know what to do for you but to stand there and be amazed. I love to talk to you actually but it's so difficult to come out with the topic which suit both you and me. We have a gap- might be age gap, religions gap. Apart from food and music, it's tough to discuss about other things under the sun, oh well, religion part, I really can't handle. I am a Buddhist, I respect Catholics but I don't follow. It's not native to me. 

It has been more than half a year. Perhaps I should let go of you from my mind  and remain you as my dream, the ideal partner. But you are perfect until I do not know when I can meet my next. You came along after a long while whereby I was actually cling my heart on someone before this. I am happy to have you actually because you have given me the proof that I have let go and  given up my past.

Thanks anyway, I would still hope, we could gather and be friend till then <3 I will print a book of photos... Just because of you have made this trip memorable and out of my expectation.

Fated or not fated

Half a year passes by, I shall think we are totally not fated. You have lived in my dream for half a year, but we ain't talking, meeting or messaging. Isn't that a big hint drop from the sky?

Today, when i meet you again, I am not shy anymore. I am just a normal me, i tried some topics with you, but I couldn't figure out how. You ended up talking about church stuff with opa. It's tough because my world doesn't evolve with yours. Not at all, we are a total independent set, no mutual area found. I got you when we talk about music classes, but that was together with Opa. I am clueless, I don't think I will ever reveal this. Let it be a secret.... I look forward to our Perth photos.. But when's next trip? Forever not fated, wanted to buy you Vico and they already don't carry any. 

Why would you come along so late? Only when we do not meet frequently, when we no longer study together :(

Failing in violin exam

Failing in violin exam is non acceptable however why am I so tough here to accept this truth?

Perhaps NUS has trained me so well to accept things and results are not perfect. Improvement needed to strengthen my weakness. At the end of a day, I got a proper job same with the first class honour people. What's the difference? The difference will be the process and the hardship that I have gone through. I got slapped in my face, telling me to study right away after I flung my mid term, I whined like a child, crying to be consoled to be hugged. I did not get any. I walked back and studied. Terry told me to hang in there, divert my attention, studied German. I am not genius in language, I worked whichever I could. I gotten B or C on them but I am blessed to even gotten a job on this, I knew a nice German friend, and a couple of lovely lecturers become my colleagues. Well, blessings in disguised. I appreciate all the Faith's fall to me.

Learn through the hard way and now failing violin exam doesn't mean anything to me, it meant to me as a process and proves that my hard work was on a wrong direction, in fact I have never felt that I have studied and practiced hard enough for this. I hated myself of being borrowed music books but never read. Photocopied all the scores but never play. I need a push, perhaps a slap on my face telling me I am not good enough! Please work hard, if not, either flung or die.

No one shows me light on how to improve. The song doesn't sound like what I had imagined. The scales sounded weird. No piano accompanist, not sure how it went wrong. Dominant 7 diminished 7.... It's just not right, old teacher doesn't give me good advices.

Kinda sad, helpless. There, I met yew Shan, I hope he's good, I am paying him good money to coach me, I need him to be strict. Everything from basic, yes please.

Tired now, I have training tomorrow... Well, I look forward to big improvement, I hope I can still walk towards my dream. I don't want to put a stop in it, because I hate how's the world is working now. The only ivory tower where I can hide, it's really the music tower where I feel comfortable. I am not the best, I am trying to be just right... 

I shall said, I have really grown up, I finally realized exam is designed for evaluations but it is not for the word "pass" or "fail". I am feeling quite proud of myself.