Is a dream!

heex...i grabbed this photo from my brother's friend, and now she is my friend, wei ling's photo album.

Hah...term started and having stress...look back to the past, the sweet time when i went to my sponsored trip to UK, i would like to thank my brother.

Phew....i lost my target initially...now i have it...let me faster finish this undergraduate life..May be i am making a wrong choice for being in Math this time...I can't expand the talent here...But i still need to appreciate myself for being existence in the world. The world is big..big and much much larger....

This singapore island is only 0.111111% of the world. May be oni 0.0000001%, who knows?
Hmmm....influenced by my brother's gang...i truthfully admire them....They have their life enjoy every moment! Although they are suffer when they work, they manage to enjoy the fruit. They sacrifice and take the risk to achieve their dream.

Hah...wat's next..South America for them...NICE...bless them have a nice trip.

I wish i wish...i will be financially independent in my future...grab my first camera...and go to somewhere which is nice, beautiful ...somehow, will enlighten my thinking and my soul!

While waiting for the sweet moment...let me work hard for my tutorial now...haha

A Good Solo

Started from kindergarten, your mom will hold your hands, brg you to school, hug you and kiss you goodbye. When you came home, your mom bath you, feed you and check your homework, do some arts work with you. Your dad sings you to bed, your mom tell you bedtime princess story:) Nice...

You grow...few years later, your teacher hold your hands, teach you to read, write and speak. They interprete everything for you, and try to deliver you some simple question and provide the answer as well.

Soon, your secondary school, your teacher try to leave you alone by delivering some info which is you think not so relevant. But sometimes, somehow, the teacher still interprete something useful to you and provides you answer and question....YAY...with the helping hand of your friends, you discuss, mix around, learn together, you grow.

Now, is time for university. Your lecturer only lecture in the class but not teaching, your tutor cannot speak and teach well, your job is now learn to find your question and find your answer as well with no proper answer provided. OK, now actually we should find some friends. But as i am an international student, i can't have alot of good friend here. May be just some hi and bye friend. Well, sometimes due to the bell curving system, alot of students here are quite selfish too...They won't care about you, even answer cannot be shared!

"Helpless" creeping in your life....you are now helpless and hopeless...firstly, the lecturer is just lecture in the hall and not even know who are you, secondly, the tutor is a graduate student and they can't speak proper english(COOL) and no experience in teaching...simply cannot teach!thirdly, you hardly get some nice friend:) fourthly, you can't manage to do the stuff alone.

So, learn to be SOLO. Cover urself with your positive personally outside. Although your confidence become lesser and lesser every moment when you just hardly survive in this cruel place, you must stand still, head still, back still! Smile, act as a professional one to scare the others. learn to be SOLO!!! Independent is nothing. U must kno your stuff all on alone, understand it alone, learn the ans alone. Even dun hav enough time, you must do it all alone....


SOLO SOLO SOLO SOLO SOLO SOLO

Target and talent

The world which no talent left, no target left is sometimes driving me to become crazy. Sometimes when you look at your exam paper, past year paper,tutorial question, assignment question, u can't solve them, you become very frustrated. Not even understand the very original definition. You attended all the lecture, you study all the time, but the talent of understand and interprete the question are gone.

Should i say absence minded in university?
Watching ppls to join SEP...i want to...It's doesn't matter the financial problem not allowing me to...but is my result which was sux in my first year. I don't have the feeling to get an A until now. I duno wat is the feeling of getting an A after every exam, because i never ever experience it b4 since i enter uni. 10 subjects which no As inside but rewarded me 2Ds.

The requirement for exchange student is u muz not get a D in your academic paper. I dunno wat should i do in NUS...I hope to join some activities to activate my thinking brain cells. But i am not working to it too.... The committee, the society , the club dont want me. I have no talent to persue them to let me stay. Or may be i should say, my english delivery speech is POOR? or no confidence on myself? I don't have previous relevant talent to support me enter any club anymore.

I don't know how competitive this NUS will be. Why not the world give me some chances to try the positions, try to success in studies again. I am giving myself chances, but after i fail to much i will feel that i should quit. Why not the world gimme an option, to quit the studies here? I don't know how hard i should stand here to suffer. I don't know. Everytime after i study, they awarded me C or D. I dunno! What's is the feeling of A. I just hope to get into honour year. However, it is something impossible.

Help...helpless...lonely....every negative feeling surrounding me... emo emo...and make me wasted one whole night just to cry. I don't know why i wan to cry. I am not sure about cry can cure the question but i am pretty sure it can ease some of my pain. My tears is no longer precious anymore. It can slides down within one second if i think about the D and the failure.

Stand up fast, and look forward! i told myself. How to stand? I am really not sure where to find the confidence to stand anymore.

hug...love...buck up faster....recover pls...you have no more time left....

The abortion of baby

Pain still the pain which never ever eased. It is normal to feel sad and pain, but i must dump it somewhere, because the baby no more in my body, no longer can stay with me, may be for time being. I duwan to lost the touch, but i have to. I am the weak one, i must give up this for time being. Give up the baby, let the monster bring her away, and try to born another one next time. For the next time, i will be more careful, no more take it so easily and forget about the existence of the monster.

The pain now deep inside my heart, no one cure it although everyone advicing concerning. No more pride for me to show off the beautiful baby girl because she is dead no longer belongs to me, taken away by the monster. Although i wan her so much, for this moment, i am not allowed to do anythg but to focus for my "health". My everything which is undone and hardly to be done. I must stay strong stay fit to wait for the day my another baby to born.

I must put down the pain, the sadness....
I must do it right now...
god, help me...pls open a window to me when you shut my door...
ease my pain quickly....
i need a shelter...urgently

Failure dominating

What will happen when your dream, your hope, your desire burned within a night, however u are unprepared for it. Once upon a time, you dream to become a very good musician and regret to choose something else. Once upon a time, you have owned a pride with an honour of distinction, with respectful eyes of the audience, with a loud applause which rocks the stage. Although is a small stage, you are young and talented. With all those pride, you have grown. You live in a world full of beautiful dreams and your headful of ideas still living back in the past. You have grown, you have grown, grow until the year of 20 or may be 21. You have been choosen the others thg to further study on it, you lost the touch, you lost the feeling but the pride still playing in your head. You still have the dream. One day, you find a place which can let you bring up the pride again, you tried, but you fail. What will be the feeling?

When i love something deeply, i hurt. Just like they are killing my child. At this moment, i really tend to chop my both hands down, cut my brain cells out, dump them away. I lost what i have gained in the past. I realize i am now living in the past but not living in the present. Lost touch lost touch, hurts and hurts, the failure screw into my heart deeply, until the blood flew out, finally its dried. The blood stained on my wound, the scar, the blood scene, cover all over my body. I have wished i could die now,not to delayed but immediately. I have wished i termintate myself from moving on or find a place for myself to shelter. I wanna escape, this phenomena is not suitable for me.

I tried to cope in every single moment. I tried to climb up from every failure. But i tend to fell into the failure easily again. Again and again, until the failure dominating my soul, my heart. Now, is time to give up, give up everythg, giv up every moment, leave the quote "to survive to compete"alone . Let the strong one live, let the weak one die. I am the weak one, i deserve to leave and to die.

fafa quote:" I simply love my room"

My room started to become messy., although the semester is just started. I love my room with no reason, because it is not as heat as pgp....not as small as pgp...more convenient than pgp...although only few choices of food provided on weekend. Simply love it....simply feel comfortable to study:)

Here i attach some messy photo of my room :)

心境

这几天去敲钟念佛， 生活过得很充实，虽然有时觉得学佛很累人，比如念阿弥陀佛念一千遍，跪拜礼佛。 但是，心无杂念， 很开心。不会因为学业不顺利，竞争的选科系， 辛苦的看数目字， 而不开心。

可是，不知为什么，每一次要去念佛时，就有点懒散，不肯起床，不肯洗澡， 好像是障碍。

呵呵， 不管怎样， 凡是都要用平常心去面对，见步行步。 能就能不能就算咯。。。随缘

阿弥陀佛